The K-i-s-s-i-n-g Song says “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.” Not once in that song does it say “then comes divorce!” For the song to be such a childhood favorite speaking on love, it doesn’t really speak on the reality of love.
For some people, love comes first, then comes the baby, THEN comes marriage. Everybody’s story is different, you know? When you first marry someone, you don’t want to have to think about divorce… divorce is the absolute LAST thing you want to have to have to think about but it’s a reality.
You will need to prepare yourself on multiple levels. Emotional support from family and friends and well-established legal representation play a major role in getting you through your divorce.
Second Time Around
After surviving a divorce, many people look at remarrying as a second chance at happiness, even though statistics are against them. The U.S. Census Bureau states that 15% of couples that remarry will end in divorce within their first three years. The question now is why? Why are these marriages ending?
- Marrying too young
Now, just because those statistics have been realities for some people, that doesn’t mean that it has to be your reality. Being that you’ve been married before, gone through a divorce, and lived to tell about it, you now should be able to recognize the warning signs. Take these necessary steps to form a long-lasting marriage this second time around.
Be Realistic About the Baggage
When people remarry, there’s a high likelihood that they will carry with them some unhealthy habits and patterns from their first marriage. Issues such as lack of trust and being overly suspicious are all contributors that can sabotage your second marriage.
Entering the realm of remarriage is something that you will have to be realistic with yourself about. For one, everyone has a past and the more you can become understanding of that, the more your partner will be able to open up to you about it without feeling judgement or negative repercussions. This will make your life and your spouse’s life much happier.
Let Go of the Past and Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable Again
Now, allowing yourself to be vulnerable can be thought of as what contributed to the pain of your divorce from your first marriage. In order for your second marriage to be a happy one, you have to let go of the past. Yes, you were hurt but treat your second marriage as if it’s your last one.
Being vulnerable means that you have to expose your deepest thoughts and innermost feelings to your spouse and doing that can be hard, especially when you’ve been hurt. In that same token, it’s also not something you have to do all at once. You and your spouse can work on vulnerability together taking baby steps.
Small discussions over dinner or during private time together is a great way to get the ball rolling. You can start out small talking about small issues such as meals or housework before tackling the major issues such as finances, bills, and disciplining the kids.
Communication is Key… Talk It Out
In order for your marriage to work, you have to speak up and talk about things. Talking about things includes EVERYTHING… the good, the bad, and the ugly. Whether you’re talking about a job promotion or a disagreement on parenting choices, you have to talk about it in order for the relationship to grow.
You have to understand that you’re both coming from two different worlds and the way you did things in your previous marriage might not work for this marriage. Communicating effectively with your spouse allows you two to make your own rules together… and what better way to start fresh than to keep your lines of communication open.
Let Go of Grudges and Work on Forgiveness
No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes… it’s part of life. Being forgiving doesn’t mean that you should allow people to walk all over you, nor does it mean that you’re buckling under and condoning the hurt you experienced.
Working on forgiveness is something that will allow you to move forward in your new marriage. It will also allow you to practice forgiveness in your new marriage when your spouse does something to upset you. That’s why it’s so important to communicate with each other when there is a disagreement in the marriage… because there will be plenty.
But, if you want your marriage to last a lifetime, you have to work on forgiving each other for and wrong-doings or misunderstandings.
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